sick of feeling shit.

I need to learn to keep hold of all those happy thoughts.

GONNA GET DRUNK.

REPEAL DON'T ASK DON'T TELL.

I am SO bored.

I miss my best friend. :(

hey remember that time

when you came to my house just to be with a friend because you were really upset about something? And you weren't ashamed to cry?

Well I wish I had the balls to do the same right now.

I wish boys could stop acting like boys sometimes

Ahhh I love my boys so much. I'm not sure what I'd do without them. They are some of my favourite friends ever and I'm going to miss them so much when I go to Uni.

But sometimes I wish they could be a little bit more sensitive, and caring. I'm not blaming them, it's just a boy thing, they can't help it. But I still can't help but hope for them to be like this sometimes. I've felt pretty crap and off this evening and I could hardly laugh or talk or anything when I was out with them, but not one of them asked if I was okay. Again, I'm not blaming them, but sometimes I just wish I had them there to ask that. Sometimes I just need a big long hug but it doesn't feel right getting it off them because they just don't seem to understand.

And now they probably all think that I've let them down tonight by not going to town. But I feel so down, and eugh, it just sucks. :( I just want everything to always be okay with my friends, so why was it different tonight?

FUUUUU. *cries*

I should have just been born a fucking boy. Bring on Brum.

so now town fails.

I have no idea, but recently I have really started hating town so much. This is town at night when going clubbing, not during the day of course, I love shopping.

I feel so stupid for hating it. Most people I know go out like every week adn get drunk in town and love it. I just don't find it appealing anymore, not sure I ever really did. I'm 18 and couldn't wait to turn 18 so I could go out clubbing, and it was fun at first, but now it's just shit.

But why am I like the only person who seems to think so? I have no problem with getting drunk (well, sometimes, when I don't humiliate myself..) I enjoy a drink, but town? Just, no. I only love it for the loud music and to see my friends, but I never seem to enjoy myself anymore when I go out. I much prefer to go to the pub or drink at a friend's house with others instead. There I can be myself, and I feel free. I feel comfortable. I can enjoy myself and we can all laugh together and add to the long list of good times. But town always ends up being awkward and I just stand there like a dick because I can't dance and because I know how shit I look compared to all the beautiful girls around me.

Am I weird?

I'm not saying it's going to be easy.

I'm saying it's going to be worth it.

fuck.

everything.

I really am so lucky that I have some people.

I hate it when you try so hard

And you still feel like you're doing shit. Let's continue to move forward world whilst you continue to throw more shit times and amazing times at me.

You popped my heart seams.

I have been bad today. Shit. Bad at something which shouldn't even exist. I'm not going to make any sense here. That's because I can't, I don't really have a choice. But yeah. I feel like such a weakling after today, maybe I am just weak. I should be able to do anything. I guess I should believe in myself more. Fuck, I've had the person I idolise most who is also like the most popular and amazing woman in the world tell me personally.. "you can overcome anything" ..but can I? I just don't know. I know that no matter how strong you are, every person in the world feels weak and useless at some point. I just hate it. I'm ruining and hurting myself. It's not fair, but I am. I'm not helping myself at all. It's just getting worse. I wish I could just say 'fuck it' and it would go away, but that's not how it works. Fuck it.

I'm going to wake up in the morning hopefully in a brighter mood and feel more positive. Everybody should believe in themselves.

I'm gonna tone down the miserable because I've been doing well with constructive posts for the past couple of ones.

This video is awesome.